I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
