my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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