We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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