i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Randomize
