I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
