Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
