He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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