1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
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