well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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