If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
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