Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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