So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
