After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Dude that's beautiful. I've never heard of someone smoking with their bunny.
I feel like I have a connection with him. A marijuana-induced-spiritual connection.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
