My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
Randomize
