True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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