How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Randomize
