When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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