He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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