His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize