My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
