i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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