jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
