Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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