Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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