I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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