Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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