your horoscope this morning...very interesting...good luck today
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
