I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
