Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
