I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
