I hate your face
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
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