I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
