i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
