When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
This is the prime rib incident all over again
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
