i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
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