You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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