I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
