What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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