you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I DEMAND FORESKIN
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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