I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
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