these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
