I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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