The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
I don't deserve a penis
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
