I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
