I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
