he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
