Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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