you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize