Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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