He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
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