matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
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