Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Randomize
