Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Randomize
