I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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