My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
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